The Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy

By Eli Nash

These two words sound so similar and many confuse the two, but in truth, they could not be more different one from the other. People are here for connection.

If we don’t connect with others, we die.

The most extreme form of punishment is solitary confinement – total and absolute isolation. Emmeline Pankhurst noted that criminals if offered extreme physical punishment or solitary confinement, often beg for the lash instead.

Two of the most important tools we have to create connection with others is privacy and secrecy. Both serve the same purpose: connecting with others.

The most obvious example of something that is private is the intimacy we share with another person. The reason we maintain this privacy is that the most powerful connection happens when intimacy is shared with one person and not many people. The end goal is and stays the same: connection.

Another example of privacy is using the bathroom. It’s not a secret what we are doing in the bathroom, it’s simply a private matter that is best done alone. Doing in public what is ideally done in a bathroom leads to disconnection, not connection. The end goal is and stays the same: connection.

Tax returns are private; they are not a secret. Sharing it doesn’t connect us with others, it disconnects us. So, we don’t share it. The end goal is and stays the same: connection.

A personal struggle may be private. Sure, I have plenty of them. It’s not a secret but I do choose to only share it with those closest to me. Sharing it beyond that group may leave me feeling disconnected. It may be that it is not the right time, or it may never be the right time. Regardless, the end goal is and stays the same: connection.

I’m all for privacy and consider myself a private individual. Secrets, on the other hand, are toxic. If I am being asked to hide a part of myself from others, that’s not a virtue. That’s a source for disconnection. Secrets force us into a toxic prison cell of isolation where it is next to impossible to truly and honestly connect with others.

So, the next time someone encourages you to keep something private, it’ll be very easy to know what they mean. Does it create more connection or less connection? Would following their advice lead to more or less connection in your life?

When I stand in front of a room and share a personal struggle that others identify with, I feel more connected to others. I feel less shame and more belonging. I feel vibrant and part of the stream of life. I feel connected.

If others are threatened by that and attempt to discourage me from this effort, I know they are only promoting secrecy not real privacy.

Secrecy: something we hide from specific people.

Privacy: something we share with specific people.